I wrote this probably about 4 to 5 years ago now and recently dug it up from my computer archives. When I originally wrote it, I was at a spiritual high in my life. My then-boss was so thrilled, she requested a copy and even urged me frame my own copy so I could have it at my desk at work so it would inspire me each day.
My previous employer was like that. Her spiritual gifts were to encourage and mentor other women. I learned so much in the five years I worked under her and I look back at that time as a huge spiritual-building experience.
But, as with so many things in our lives we start taking for granted; they come to an end. For me it was an idea God planted in my head… to move on to something better he had for me. I followed His call… and am still waiting for that “better thing.”
I so much miss that spiritually uplifting time–being able to work in a Christian environment, with a Christian mentor as an employer, being able to see the fruits of my daily efforts. Each hurdle at work she helped me through would make feel more and more confident of myself and of who I am as a woman of “beauty, worth and dignity”–as she used to say.
Sounds a bit melodramatic, I know, but I’ve recently discovered that I have a tendency to latch on to people that mean a lot to me, and when they leave my life–because, as we all know, life happens while we’re busy making other plans… that, and people have a tendency to “move on”–so I haven’t only lost that close relationship, but part of myself as well.
Because, for some reason, these people who’ve been giants in my faith-building and learning experiences, tend to not be in contact very much, if at all. And it’s like they take a part of myself with them when they leave. Which also means that each time I get to know a new person who becomes important in my life, I end up re-inventing myself–learning to re-invent myself in a new way.
I still mourn my other “selves” at times, because if I’m honest, each person that has been such an inspiration to me, has brought out something good inside me that I’ve felt almost proud of… in a non-selfish way, of course. (I am Mennonite after all, and “pride” just isn’t one of our top-ten wanted traits list. But I digress.)
So recently, I’ve been feeling frustrated with trying to discover my purpose in life. I ask myself “what do I want to do with my life?” I haven’t really accomplished anything great for God… and by “great” I mean something that would make me feel like God is proud of me, like a Father would be of his daughter who did something good.
I’m told that isn’t really what God is all about. He’s not about having us do things to make ourselves look good for him, because He already accepts us the way we are. But I still want to do something that He’d be proud of. Does that make sense at all?
